Demons Of The Past
by Amber.Skyes
Summary: Picks Up After The Sweet Far Thing beginning with some Journal entries from Gemma. How is she? Has she forgotten about Kartik? Does she return to the realms? And will she cut her ties with England for good? R&R to find out :! Rated Teen to be safe.
1. The First Year Alone

**The Sweet Far Thing Continued…**

**Hi everyone. I'm really missing the Gemma Doyle trilogy right about now (I only borrowed it from a friend to read *cries*), so I've decided to try out a new fanfic(:**

**Please, lemme know what you think! Ideas are more than welcome...**

**Just a little info here: yes, I suck at summarizing (God help me) but I do love to write =D.**

**I started this one off a bit differently than I normally would have (With Gemma's Journal Entries and all), but after this chapter it will progress into an actual storyline.**

**I'm actually excited to see where this will go... And yes, I enjoy toying with Gemma's mind =D**

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_**May 15, 1897**_

_It has been nearly a year now._

_I cannot take much more of this madness..._

_Why does life have to be so cruel?_

_Everyone continually tells me I have to move on._

_I have to get past him._

_There's nothing I can do for him._

_In the beginning they were supportive, my family and friends._

_Now that I've disgraced Grandmamma by moving on to America, in hopes that I'd forget, I only have my friends._

_They're so far away now they can only offer comfort through letters from abroad._

_A small comfort, but I wait each day, seemingly forever, for the next letter._

_The post should be here soon..._

_**May 16, 1897**_

_I haven't felt the magic in so long; I yearn to go to the realms..._

_I miss Felicity and Ann. They were my sanity, and I'm afraid what little I have left is beginning to slip._

_They tell me I should be more social, but everyone here is so different from what I'm used to._

_I know Fee is hoping I'll meet a man, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet._

_I don't think I'll ever be ready for that again..._

_**May 17, 1897**_

_I'm such a horrible person; the least I could do is visit him in his eternal prison._

_Oh don't look at me like that! He's never far from my thoughts._

_Alright, he never leaves._

_The truth is I'm scared to go back. I haven't been through the door since that last... no, I'll not mention that._

_It hurts too much._

_So much loss..._

_Yes, not a day goes by when I don't see his warm dark eyes in my mind._

_It only hurts to think his name..._

_**May 18, 1897**_

_I feel him with me._

_I've stopped telling Fee; she thinks I'm going insane and is determined to come visit before the end of the summer._

_I've also stopped telling Ann, for I know it only worries her more._

_I don't want to be a nuisance. I'm tired of it._

_I try so hard to sound like the old Gemma Doyle in my letters that it looks false, even to me._

_This is the only place I can put into words how I feel. Or try. Words can never describe this..._

_**May 19, 1897**_

_I've angered Felicity. I replied to a comment she made in her last letter._

_Well, it was more than just a comment; she was shouting at me from thousands of miles away in neat strokes of ink._

_I burned the letter, picturing it screaming for mercy and telling it to take back the words._

_All I wanted was to show her exactly how I felt, and how she made me feel with her haughty comments._

_I stupidly told her that she had never lost as much as I, and that she should keep her dirty opinions to her own filthy mind._

_Really some of them, like this last one, are absolutely sickening._

_I got a reply soon after. Two words._

_Pippa Cross._

_**May 20, 1897**_

_I don't want to hurt everyone I love._

_I'm not naturally full of spite._

_Even after my mother, the one person I was closest to, and farthest from on this earth, died I was not like this._

_Hateful. Staring down everyone I meet, fearful that I might grow attached just to have them torn away from me._

_I apologized to Fee. I told her numerous times how stupid and thoughtless I was being. I know I'm not the only one of us with troubles._

_Mine just seemed worse, to me, because they were my own._

_And though we are so far apart, I somehow knew she cried with me when I told her I knew exactly how she felt about dear Pip._

_She also apologized, a rare thing for Fee, saying she had been more thoughtless than I in her previous letter._

_We are planning her visit together again._

_**May 21, 1897**_

_Though I am now only 17, I feel as though I've lived for hundreds of years._

_Like time has worn me down to an empty shell. A walking corpse. A shadow of my former self._

_An idea has come to me though, and I have been researching into the past of the Order and anything I can possibly get my hands on that has to do with the Realms._

_In short, there isn't much and it's driving me mad._

_I've only started this so far fruitless search because I've had a dream._

_At least I think it was a dream, though it felt very much like a vision._

_All I know is that I was crying when I awoke because I was there in his arms, and never wanted to leave._

_**May 22, 1897**_

_I'm having the old nightmares again. I almost tried to get to the realms today, just to make sure chaos wasn't brewing._

_I lost my nerve at the last minute, too afraid of what I might see._

_**May 23, 1897**_

_I believe I am honestly spiralling down into endless madness now._

_Everyone around me seems to shift their shapes into the horrible daemons of my past._

_Sad really, to think that a 17 year old girl, who really wasn't yet a woman, had a past that she was running from._

_And that's all it is. An endless race._

_We'll see who catches up to whom, for I fear we are running in circles._

_And I still see his face..._

_**May 26, 1897**_

_I've stopped leaving my little rented room unless it is absolutely necessary._

_I spend my days curled up on my bed with my head tucked under my arms._

_I look like a mad-woman. I haven't bathed since my last entry, and the humidity is horrible. My hair is a frizzy mess, and I haven't eaten in a few days._

_Every time I close my eyes I see him, but not in the way I used to._

_He is changed. The Winterlands have taken him. He stared right at me, right through me, calling me to him in a horribly distorted voice._

_His fangs glimmered in the fading rays of a black sun, and behind him an army of Winterlands creatures stood._

_Then, before my eyes, he drew out a dagger and lifted it over my head. I heard the wind whistle pass as he brought it down on me; as his face changed to that of Miss Moore's, Circe's face, then someone I didn't know._

_Oh she was beautiful and terrible at the same time._

_Her dark ringlets fell wildly to her back, and her violet eyes shone with cruel laughter._

_I opened my eyes and the vision ended. Or was it a dream?_

_Did I make the whole thing up?_

_No, impossible. I had to be there. Yes, I was there in the realms facing my death at the hands of..._

_At the hands of who?_

_I could have sworn it was Pippa._

_No, it couldn't have been Pippa. Not Pip. Pip was gone..._

_Or was it a vision? I'm so very hungry._

_Starving really. But I'm afraid of what I'll see if I leave the room._

_Everyone is turning to horrible creatures all around me._

_I should have a bath. That would relax me._

_Why should I let visions, or dreams, or even imaginings frighten me?_

_It's silly really. Oh dear Gemma, what shall we do with you?_

_**May 29, 1897**_

_That's right kind sir, drink your tea. Your missus is there beside you looking at you as adoringly as you look at her._

_Be happy; do not mourn for my losses. Oh no, please continue. Don't mind me. I'm only here to observe you._

_Yes drink up, drink your tea, both of you._

_And you dear lady, forgive me for being so rude. I am Queen Gemma, the true Lady of Shallot, locked in the tower of a mind slowly going insane._

_Yes, that's right. Smile and eat the lies they feed you. Do not have any thought of your own._

_Never have a worry, never have a care._

_Lace the corset on your mind tighter, and squeeze what little room you have to breathe even smaller._

_Why are you staring at me?_

_Oh, please, don't go. You are not being rude. Stare at the eccentric girl in the corner with the wild red hair._

_Observe her writing in a journal._

_Watch her ask for hotter tea, not caring that it isn't proper to openly stare at all around her._

_Watch her heart shatter again and again as she relives her last few moments with the only man she'll ever love._

_I would have run away with him. I would have come here, or gone back to India. I love him. There, I've said it twice._

_I'll never forget him._

_No, do not approach me as if you would like to purchase me. Bow down to the queen of heartache and pain._

_Watch the blood freeze in her veins as she sees a passing coachman, thinking it might be him. Him._

_No, you may not join me. But you will anyway._

_Do not expect me to smile sweetly and welcome your plans for sin with open arms._

_No I shall not marry you. Oh, but you hadn't asked that?_

_Pardon me; I thought that's what all men wanted._

_No, you may not see what I've written. It is private and you are being far too forward with me._

_Do not look upon me that way._

_What is that, you say?_

_Why am I talking to myself?_

_It is really none of your business that I care to hold conversations with figments of my imagination._

_No, the men and women are not real._

_But the real ones are not real. Are the fake ones really fake?_

_We shall see..._

_**May 30, 1897**_

_Ahh, freedom is laughing at me._

_The letters from people of my past are piling up by the door._

_I haven't read them._

_Maybe they think I've died._

_Hmmm_

_I believe I am in here somewhere._

_Locked away in the constraints of insanity and heartbreak._

_I too would like to break free, and float away in my little boat._

_Even if the blood did freeze in my veins..._

_It would be a welcome change._

_I can see his face...._

_**June 1, 1897**_

_I feel that I am more sane today after reading over everything I'd written in the last few weeks._

_I burst into tears over my rant. I need to do something constructive to keep from losing it again._

_I'm walking through life with blinders now, telling myself nothing is real anymore. Though it is a lie, it is a welcome one._

_I realize that in a few days, when I read all of this over once more, it may not make any sense._

_My little rants are not important though._

_I'm aware that I've come dangerously close to breaking in the past five days. The 29 of May has proven that._

_I believe it is time to move on from my insanity, which threatens to explode at every turn._

_Time to take a deep breath and plunge ahead._

_The only thing I'll allow to pass through the walls I've put up are these new dreams._

_They are of a place I've never seen before; though I'm almost positive it is in the realms._

_I've begun my research again, but with a purpose this time. I am hoping to come across this strange new place._

_Fee is due in a few days, along with Ann who has declined a new show to be with me._

_I'm forever grateful to them both._

_Together I am sure we'll figure this out._

_And with the two of them here I might be lucky enough to feel almost whole again..._

_**June 2, 1897**_

_There has to be a way; there must be._

_I know it's there, lurking just out of reach._

_It has to be..._

_**June 4, 1897**_

_I'm going insane again, hunting for the solution that still eludes me._

_There has to be a way!_

_That phrase has been haunting me for the last year._

_Louder at points, and quieter at others, but always there._

_**June 5, 1897**_

_I've reclaimed a bit of my sanity._

_This past year has been hell, as I'm sure I've acknowledged._

_I miss him so terribly right now, and all the hours I've spent pouring over books are for naught._

_There is nothing to be found as far as I can tell, and I'm contemplating giving up altogether on the reading._

_As for giving up on him, I never shall. I couldn't live with myself._

_I've decided that, for better or worse, I shall visit the realms when fee and Ann arrive tomorrow._

_I don't know if I can possibly face the tree, but it will be nice to see the gardens again._

_Perhaps I'll see Gorgon. Only tomorrow will tell..._

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_I'm planning this to be quite long, but I'll update depending on the demand for more, so please review!(:_

_**Studying for Geography Sucks,**_

_**Rikki Gryffyn xx**_


	2. A Quick AN

I apologize to anyone who was waiting for an update! I've been swamped with assignments these past couple weeks and haven't found the time for an update!  
So sorry! Hope y'all can forgive me, and read the second chapter which will be posted either later today, or sometime tomorrow.

Don't hate me!(:

And please, if anyone has **any** ideas, they'd be appreciated.

It's been a slow start because I'm still not quite sure where I'm going with this.

Updating Soon, I swear(:!

~Rikki Gryffyn xx

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I feel like such a jerk! I know, I flat out lied in the post above, and I'm soooooooooooooooo sorry!!!

My internet was down the day after I wrote this, then I decided I hated the chapter I wrote and so on.

BUT, I have the whole summer ahead of me, so I **swear** that I'll be updating!

Again, sorry it took so long!

~Rikki Gryffyn


	3. Seeing the Sun

I awoke to find a blinding stream of sunlight pouring through my window, slowly creeping closer to my face. Turning on to my back, I stretched and sighed. Today Felicity would be arriving. Ann could not make it any longer since the opening for her new show was moved up three weeks, and she was now stuck in rehearsals. I would miss her, but at least I knew she was happy. Another sigh escaped me as I thought about a time in my life when I was happy, running free over the hot, dry land in India. Or, more recently, behind the stables at Grandmama's with a certain Indian boy…

I stopped myself before I was assaulted with painful memories, and dragged myself to the washstand instead. After thoroughly scrubbing at my face I chanced a look in the mirror and instantly regretted it. My normally curly hair was a tangled frizzy mess from all the time spent in bed these past few weeks sobbing in pain and frustration. I couldn't possibly meet the ship looking like this; Fee would murder me.

I sighed for a third time as I pulled a larger basin from behind my dressing screen and rekindled the fire to heat some water. While I waited I picked out a dress and arranged my things on the vanity, I allowed my mind to wander, something I hadn't done in weeks.

I hadn't really allowed myself to think back on my journey to America for very long since I'd launched myself into research and, eventually, madness. Looking around my rented room I found a small sense of comfort; something I had not felt in months, and thought I might never feel again. Though it wasn't large, like my room in England had been, it felt more lived in. There was no maid to pick up my things so I could arrange everything as I pleased. This also meant that here was no one to aid with the tying of my corset strings, so I had to fend for myself, a feat that was not easy at first. There was shelving at the foot of my bed where I placed my books, all of which had made the long journey with me- my only friends in this strange new land. They were very pleasant company, never judging me, and offered that small shred of comfort so long forgotten...

The logs on the fireplace collapsed, startling me out of my reverie. I laughed at myself quietly for being so jumpy, then marvelled at my laughter. It felt like years since I had laughed last, and the strange sound of it had greatly improved my mood. As I poured the water in the basin and began to wash up, I wondered how much Fee could have changed over the course of a year.

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_There's nothing to be nervous about Gemma, it's only Fee for goodness' sake! _

I tried to calm myself down, unsuccessfully by taking a deep breath. My hands were shaking.

As I arranged the pen and ink pot on my desk I somehow managed to upset a pile of papers. I made a wild grab for them, but they alluded me crashing to the floor.

_Oh, Bloody hell._

I glared at the scattered sheets of papers covered in my nearly illegible chicken scratches, wondering what they were. I picked them up to read them and nearly dropped them again. My notes.

_But how could you have possibly missed that! It was so obvious… _The chime of my clock scared me, seeming incredibly loud in the still room, and I nearly dropped the papers again. Half past three.

_Time to go meet Fee._

The thought frightened me.

_What If I couldn't recognize her?_

_Don't be silly. _I argued with myself. _She couldn't possibly have changed _that _drastically._

_But Would she still act the same? _

This I couldn't answer. God only knew how much I needed a lively spirit in my life right now…

_Would we find the solution? __**Could **__we find it? Was there really anything to find?_

The more urgent questions tumbled around in my head, but I had no answer for these either.

I supposed there was only one way to find out. I put the papers back on my desk and glanced around the room to make sure it was perfect. All I had to do was make up the cot tonight; everything else was picture perfect. I took my cloak from the hook by the door and, after locking it behind me, braced myself to face the blinding sunshine- a friend I hadn't seen in many weeks.

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_Sorry It's so short; I know you deserve a longer chapter after two months without updates (Don't hate me!) but I still don't know where to go with this._

_I'm thinking about focusing on my Twilight Fic for awhile before coming back to this one because I don't overly like this chapter. Oh well, it'll hopefully improve. (:_

_In desperate need of inspiration,_

_Rikki Gryffyn xx_


	4. She'll Be Here Soon!

_**AN:** yes, I've changed my pen name. Don't get confused, It's still the same author, I've just ditched Rikki Gryffyn (A bad attempt at a possible stage name in my band:P)_

_anywhore,_

_I know I've updated twice in two days (a new record :P) but I figured you guys deserved it after so long a wait. Still not sure where this is going, but the ideas are starting to come - finally._

_Sorry it's going kind of slow (and sorry this is so short!), but I swear there'a a plot involved (eventually)_

_For now, kudos to those sticking out the first few boring chapters. I hope you'll find it worth it later! (:_

_~Cheers (and Happy Birthday Canada! xD),_

_Amber Skyes _

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I stood on the docks at the shipyard twisting a ring nervously around my finger. The ship was late, as I'd expected it to be, and that did nothing for my nerves. A million possibilities went through my mind: what if it sunk? What if Fee had fallen overboard? What if, what if, what if?

_Stop worrying, nothing's happened to her, or anyone else, for that matter!_

It's amazing how it takes a great loss to send you over the edge and fret over the silliest things. But I have suffered a great loss, and therefore I think I have the right to console myself with pointless worrying.

I heard the sound of a ship's horn from just beyond the port and sighed in relief. As if to contradict my sigh, my heat started racing.

_She'll be here soon!_

There are no words to describe how I felt. Elated would barely come close. I kicked myself for not finding company sooner. This is what I really needed, though I shied away from it; a shoulder to cry on, arms to comfort me, and a soft voice to murmur gibberish and sooth my pain, even for a few moments. While I waited impatiently for the ship to arrive, I marvelled at the sudden lift in my mood. I supposed one would have said I'd been depressed in the last year. The switch in my mood told me that that was a serious understatement. I'd been down to the darkest places in the human mind… but I would not think about that now. Right now I would stand a little straighter and lift my face towards the sun- laughing at this small act of defiance of Grandmama's wishes and society's rules- and smile back at the sun. I would paste a smile, however strained it might become, over my freckled face and greet Felicity warmly. I would bring her back to my apartment and we'd stay up long into the night talking. An maybe we'd finally visit the re… but no, I would not think about that either. I didn't want anything to ruin my fragile shred of happiness because I knew it would be brief.

I gazed at the plank being lowered and scanned the people exiting for a stunning blonde. I didn't see her at first. Looking up to the deck of the huge vessel, I finally spotted a figure waving at me. I raised my hand in acknowledgement and she spun around and began weaving through the crowd eagerly. Same old Fee.

Later I would think about the place that had once filled me with joy, and now caused me great pain, and decide if I was ready to face my fears. Later, we would find a solution and rescue _him. _For now I would be content with the weather, and perhaps talk Fee into getting some sweets. The thought made me grin and suddenly I felt fourteen again. Young, free, and innocent never having heard of real magic, or the Order, Spence Academy or corsets and society's endless rules. Suddenly I felt like Gemma Doyle.


End file.
